Yes yes I know. Another post on polyamory! What can I say? I am a student and it’s my choice as to what I want to learn and right now, I like soaking up as much as I can about polyamory. I love Kink Academy! They make it so easy to watch videos. They are all generally 5 – 1 0 min long. I, for one, have 10 minutes to spare on a given day. You can usually watch 2 videos under 20 minutes. Even though I have watched several videos about polyamory, I am still enjoying and learning more by watching other videos by different people. Even the ones that cover the same subjects, have different points of view and I still learn something.
This time around I watched 3 videos by Sarah Sloane. The first, An Introduction to Polyamory, where she, “helps clarify what a polyamory relationship is, and what it isn’t.” The second, Polyamory Terms, where she “explains many of the words and phrases that are used in the polyamory world.” The third, Joys and Pitfalls of Polyamory, where she “discusses the joys of being in an open, polyamorous relationship as well as some pitfalls to look out for.”
One of the big things that was discussed was the difference between swinging and polyamory. If I were to put a label on myself, I am not a swinger. I hate that word actually. Sound so trite. In general, swingers are people who are interested in having sex with other people with permission from their partner. It’s really just about the sex. Some swinging is done individually, others as a couple.
Polyamory goes beyond the sex. This is what I feel most fits myself. I am not interested in meeting men or women just to take them to the bedroom. That brings me no pleasure. I don’t like the emotional disconnect. In Polyamory however, emotions are involved and it is based on building relationships instead of going straight to the bedroom. It’s what I am looking for in my life. I realize finding someone would be as easy as tonight, if all I wanted to do was fuck, but that’s not for me.
I discussed in my last post about V relationships being very common in the poly world That’s where one person has 2 relationships but those relationships are not involved with each other. However, when all 3 people become involved with each other, it is then called a triad.
I had questions in my head whether or not polyamory was based on equality, or if there could be levels amongst the relationships. Come to find out, many poly relationships do have levels. Some poly relationships break the people they are involved with into primary, secondary and so forth levels. That’s exactly how our relationships would work. My husband will always be my primary relationship simply because, we are married. Any other relationship would be my secondary. For us, we are each others primary. If my husband is having a crisis and I am with my secondary, I am going to have to leave my secondary to be with my husband. It’s just how we work. Establishing ourselves as primaries also helps to establish rules and roles for anyone entering our intimate lives.
Some joys to being in a polyamorous relationship are … more sex! But it goes far beyond just having more sex. Often, being allowed to explore sex with others means you are able to explore new things or needs that can’t be fulfilled by the other person. For me, being in a poly relationship means I can explore my bisexual side and enjoy the intimate company of another woman.
Being in a poly relationship also allows for personal growth. It sure does! You learn so much about yourself and your partner just by being able to explore other people. Being able to see how other people live and love is an educational adventure. Whenever I meet someone with an open relationship, I just want to soak up all their thoughts and opinions.
There’s also something called compersion. Compersion “is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.” I love seeing my husband happy. When his outside relationships don’t work out, I feel the pain with him, but when they go great, I share in his happiness. I’m his wife and I always want to see him happy. Being able to explore experiences with other women is just one of the many ways I like making him happy.
One of the main pitfalls to polyamory that stuck with me after watching the videos was that “all people are different in their polyamory.” Never forget that. Just because you may do things one way, doesn’t mean the same holds true for the other person. Polyamory within couples has it’s own goals, expectations and boundaries. Respect where people are coming from and where they are headed along their paths.
A lot of people exploring polyamorous relationships are “looking for people to fill a certain role in their life.” I was one of those people. When I began looking for someone, I was looking for a Dominant male to fulfill my submissive needs. Though that is not a bad thing, it is also a very limiting thing. I instead have switched gears and am open to meeting anyone whether or not that are interested in being a Dominant. It makes it easier to find people and you never know, surprising people may enter your life.
Once finished watching Sarah’s videos, I watched 2 by Makael Newby. The first, “Non-monogamy for the novice“, where she “distinguishes between emotional and physical non-monogamy and applies the distinction to the lifestyles of swinging and polyamory.” The second, “Pitfalls of non-monogamy“, where she “discusses 5 such pitfalls — new relationship energy, lying and withholding information, crossing boundaries, pushing your own agenda, and blaming.”
These videos cover some of the same things as Sarah’s, but her perspective is different and she talks about a few other things as well. Her Pitfalls video really had my attention. I related to a lot of what she had to say.
New Relationship Energy, NRE, is something I personally have to be careful with. Your emotions can’t be trusted during this stage. You end up saying things that can hurt your other partner. I myself have gotten a little too giddy about a new partner and this has made Sylvanus uncomfortable. In the future, I will always remember to tone myself down.
Lying and/or withholding information is a huge no no in polyamorous relationships where trust is one of the biggest keys to making it work. Sylvanus and I don’t lie to each other, but sometimes information can be withheld. Information in the form of, “I didn’t think it mattered.” Often times when you think that, you are lying to yourself. If you have to think about whether or not something matters, it is a good clue that you should just open your mouth and bring it up. Making plans to meet your partner in 2 weeks but have no idea if things will work out? Just say something. Don’t wait until the plans are solid, just give the heads up and if they fall apart, oh well.
One huge pitfall to polyamorous relationships is pushing your agenda. A lot of times when couples chose to open up their relationship, one is usually more comfortable than the other. It’s important to remember to not have the “I want it now” attitude. In this video, Makael says something that I really need to pass on as it is something that I have heard Sylvanus say himself, “It’s highly advised to go at the pace of the less comfortable partner. It may mean that you don’t get what you want right now, but it could make all the difference in getting what you want somewhere down the future.” Sit back and let that soak in. Read it again, why don’t you? Genius isn’t it? So very deep. This is EXACTLY how Sylvanus and I have explored polyamory together. We are extremely patient with each other and go at the pace that’s comfortable for everyone. 2 yrs ago, polyamory for us was flirting with people online, now look at where patience has taken us. Now we are taking lovers into our bed and creating emotional connections with other people.
The possibilities are endless!
Thank you for reading. xoxo