Polyamory is something that has been on my mind for a long time. I’ve written posts on it. I’ve been in different relationships simultaneously. I’ve read books on it and I’ve talked to a lot of people about it. Mostly asking:
How do you do poly?
How does it work for you?
How do you deal with jealousy?
How do you split your time?
How do you do you poly with BDSM?
This week I watched some of Sarah Sloane‘s video‘s on KinkAcademy and I’ve been thinking about it all week. Having met two great guys in the past few weeks inadvertently helped with my homework as well. It leaves me asking myself some questions.
Do I want to be consensually non- monogamous? or do I want to be polyamorous?
Can I be poly?
The video’s talked about different kinds of relationships, some I’ve been in but with different roles. Being a sub to one, and a top to another makes it a little easier to split energies for me. Maybe I can be in a vanilla relationship with one person and a D/s relationship with someone else. What about if I meet two Doms? What if I am attracted to them both? What if I start to really like them both? What then?
While after such a short time, it’s impossible to know what kind of relationship is/was possible with either of these men, but I did realize something interesting about me.
I am not even sure that I can really LIKE two people at the same time with great success let alone be romantically involved.
What I found in 7 short days, is that when I was with or talking to one, I would be all moony-eyed about him and questioning my feelings/ intentions for the other. Then of course the same would happen the other way around. I know myself and I know that if I have a primary partner, I would put 90% of my energy into that partner- leaving much less for the other. My thought is to NOT have a primary partner, that would solve everything right? Don’t get emotionally involved.
However, remaining stoic, emotionally closed off and NOT moony-eyed is really just not my style either. I’m an emotional girl and find myself drawn to that. So what’s a girl to do when I can’t find a good balance? Is it fair that one person gets 75 and the other gets 25 at any given time?
I understand the ideas behind poly. I understand that there are definitely some good things things and some not-so-good things. I understand how it works for some people and I absolutely believe that someone can care for multiple people on an emotional level. What I wonder is, can I do it in a way that is fair to my partners? I hear a lot of conversations from people saying that monogamy is outdated, stupid, drinking the Kool-aid, and a lot of “You’re doing it wrong” talk. I don’t know about that. I’ve spend a lot of years being ‘adulterous’ having secret affairs and not feeling like it was ok to have feelings for anyone other than my primary partner, regardless of that nature of that relationship. Now I am learning that there is another way, that consensual non-monogamy can be ok, that polyamory can also be ok. There is a way of thinking and living that works for people who feel that they can and want to be in multiple loving relationships.
The next step for me is to figure out if it is truly a way of thinking and living that works for me? I’m looking forward to watching more video’s on KinkAcademy.com as there is so much information out there, as well as in books and the wealth of knowledge from my friends and fellow kinksters.