The art of negotiation is a key part of being kinky. It serves as both a safety net and also a path to getting what you want out of kink. While there are some questions that are good to ask no matter what your kink, if rope bondage is your kink there are some specific questions that can make your experience both safer and hotter for both of you.
The first thing to keep in mind is this: everyone is individual! There is no such thing as a negotiation list that is perfect for everyone. Get to know the person you’re tying with first, and then tailor your questions to them. Also, remember that the answers may change from time to time, so it’s best to not assume anything.
That being said, here are five questions that can provide excellent information before your rope bondage play. See if you can spot the special trick at the end!
- What do you like about rope bondage? Even if a person has never had a rope anywhere near their skin before, they must have some opinion about rope. Think of it kind of like when you ask someone if they’re hungry; if they say yes, that doesn’t tell you anything about what they like to eat. Just because someone thinks rope bondage is sexy doesn’t tell you why. Is it being tightly bound? Having a pretty harness? Having great sex? Going into a meditative trance? Even if they’ve only seen pictures, there’s something that has the two of you sitting there talking about rope. Find out what it is!
- When did you eat last, and what did you have? Food can affect your body in many ways. Some things may be obvious, such as the idea that spinning around upside down might not be a good idea if you just had a big bowl of lasagna. But there are other aspects as well, such as the fact that hot peppers can increase vascular dilation which in turn can make the skin mark more easily from the ropes. Alcohol is also a big factor; most rope educators recommend not drinking anything if you are about to do a rope scene, but at the very least it is essential that you not be intoxicated. If someone hasn’t eaten in a while it can also cause fluctuations in their blood sugar, leading to fainting spells, dizziness, or nausea that can end a rope scene right away.
- How will I know you’re having a good or bad time? Midori, author of The Seductive Art of Japanese Rope Bondage, teaches this question in her negotiation classes. It’s a matter of communication, and the fact that for some people having a good time means they are screaming incoherent words, while for others it’s an almost-comatose silence. Some people can simply say “This is great!” in the middle of the scene, but for others more nonverbal means of communication are necessary. Being able to both read your partner and let them know how you’re feeling will make the scene that much hotter.
- When was the last time you were in the Emergency Room? It may seem like a non-sequitur, but that’s actually good; it helps jog the memory and brings up some things that might not have been covered by the more traditional Do you have any medical conditions I should know about? This brings up current issues, and also can reveal things that you might not know should be concerns, such as diabetes.
- What do you want to get out of this scene? “Rope Bondage!” is the easy answer to this question, but that should be the start of the conversation, not the end. Do you want a sexy scene? What does that look like to you? Maybe this is just a stunt, a “let’s see if we can do this!” There’s a lot of reasons to do rope bondage, from the silly to the artistic to the intense connection of two souls. It’s important that you have an idea of what you want and that you make your partner aware of it if you want to increase your chances of actually getting it.
Now for the bonus question: were those questions for the rope top or the rope bottom? If your answer is Yes, then good for you! These questions are important for both sides of the rope equation, and it’s a good idea to mix them up with your other standard scene questions such as aftercare, boundaries, and the rest.
For more on rope bondage, be sure to check out educators such as Jay Wiseman, Lee Harrington, J.P. Robichaud, Erin Houdini, and Graydancer here on Kink Academy!