There is a fantasy of submission and dominance that goes something like this:

Bowing at the dominant’s feet, the submissive knew that there was no demand heard from that strong voice that could be denied. There was no question that would not be answered, no secret that would be hidden, no task that the submissive would hesitate to complete should the dominant demand it. There was no longer any ability to refuse anything; this was total possession, complete subjugation.

She/he was hers/his, completely…

Whether it was from classic Marquis de Sade and Story of O or the more recent Marketplace series, the idea of NOT having one’s ability to say “no” is an undeniably hot fantasy shared by many people whether they are in power-exchange relationships or simply want to be. It’s thrilling and prime masturbation material. It is also important to remember that it is a fantasy, not an ideal.

Even in the most strict Master/slave relationships, the ability to say no is there. It may carry a very heavy price (such as the end of the relationship) but the fact is that everyone has the right to walk away from a relationship if they truly believe it necessary. Not all consequences of saying “no” have to be that harsh, however. There are many different types of power exchange relationships, and the only One True Way is the way that the people involved choose.

That’s where protocols really come in handy.

The Slave’s Dilemma

“I know you’re not perfect,” one slave said to her master as she knelt by his feet. “But at the same time, it just doesn’t feel right to say no to you, or deny you anything.” The two of them were discussing the creation of protocols that fed their relationship by reinforcing the dominant/submissive dynamic and also were just plain “hot”. These included things like a ritual of putting on and taking off the collar, the frequent use of “sir” when she talked to him, and various slave positions. Like most of their protocols, they used erotica and “training manuals” for inspiration, adapting the positions to the way her body could comfortably move and the way he enjoyed seeing her.

Now they were talking about deeper aspects of their life together, and the subject of contradiction came up. She was a highly educated and self-motivated person; it felt like she would be a disservice to him if she neglected to point out when he might be in error or making a mistake. At the same time, her ideal submissive self didn’t feel right saying anything remotely contradictory to her master, much less correcting him.

After thinking for a moment, he smiled. “How about this: if you completely agree with what I’m doing, say your usual ‘Yes, Sir!’ But if you feel I’m wrong, I want to hear ‘As you say, sir.‘ That way I know that I might need to check on what I’m doing, but that if I choose to do it anyway, you’ll follow.”

She grinned happily. She could show her devotion to him constantly, and at the same time give him the benefit of her competence and skills!

That little parable (a true story) is just an example of the way people can adjust the protocols in a relationship to allow the “no” without breaking out of the power exchange dynamic. Everyone’s method may be different, but it is important that some method be found. The ability to say “no” is not just a privilege; it is a necessary part of any relationship.

The Perverted Negress Lays It Down

One of the most well-known and well-spoken advocates for the submissive experience is Mollena Williams. She has many clips here on Kink Academy talking about the realities of submission, and how that can be very different than the fantasy. One of the key points she keeps coming back to is that there is a bedrock of personal responsibility regardless of the level of submission. This shouldn’t take away from the hotness the power exchange; instead, it becomes a further level of active service rather than passive submission.

She also writes about it on her blog. In a post about what she calls “The Prime Directive“, she suggests:

How elegant it is when the person who owns you says, “You are mine. And as my property, and the most precious property I could possibly be pleased to own, your first job is to maintain my property. To be transparent with me, to tell me honestly how you are, to share with me when you are struggling: this is how you please me. And furthermore? NOT telling me if you are troubled or struggling is in direct conflict with my wishes.”

The answer to “can a submissive say no?” is not only yes, but a very sincere: “…and they’d better make sure they do when it’s needed!”

You can watch a free clip by Mollena here on Kink Academy about other ways that a submissive can be useful. You can also learn more about personal responsibility in male/female D/s relationships in a free clip from Scotty, or by joining Kink Academy for dozens of other videos about power exchange.