There has never been a better time and place to be kinky than right now. From the growth of the internet to the much talked about Fifty Shades of Grey books, kink is coming out of the shadows. It is no longer something talked about in hushed whispers with information gained from magazines sold from under the counter; kink is having its moment in the sun. And rightfully so. Kink has been with humans for as long as we have humaned, it was not properly discussed or explored out of outdated notions of fear and shame.
No longer. If you were ever curious about exploring your possible kinky wiring, you couldn’t ask for more information and resources and opportunities than we have today. Not only are we more comfortable than ever discussing such inclinations, it turns out that a surprising number of people out there are also letting their kink flag fly. Power and control are fascinating to us and an innate part of how humans are wired, is it any surprise that such things flow into our sexual lives?
So what is one to do if you are curious about to how to get started on your own kinky journey but feel lost as to how to take that first step? It can be so easy to feel overwhelmed and not know where to start.
Before you do anything, you have to take the time to sit down with yourself and get to know yourself. Really get to know yourself. You are going to be stuck with yourself for the rest of your life; you might as well take the time to figure out what makes you tick. And be ruthlessly honest with yourself while you do. It is okay if this process takes you months or even years. It will take as long as it needs to take.
When you are watching a movie or reading a book or overhear a snippet of conversation, what makes you pause, neurons all aquiver? What sliver of dialog or position of a body or particular outfit makes your brain meat hum? The clues to your wiring are all around you, you just need to pay attention to them. The more you take note of them, the more obvious they will become to you.
This is the most important step you will ever do, bar none, because if YOU don’t know what it is that you like, it is almost impossible to communicate it with your potential partners. Everyone is just fumbling around cluelessly in the dark while hoping for the best. It is hard to make much forward progress in the dark.
You may think that because your sexuality does not fit into one neat little box, that there is not a place for you. Nothing could be further from the truth. Human sexuality is not black or white, Dominant or submissive, Master or slave, straight or gay. We tend to be much more fluid in our approach to sex. If you know from the get-go that you are meant to be an Alpha Master or a super slave, kudos. Most of your homework is already done for you. But for the majority of us, it takes some trial, error, and experimenting. Not to mention that a fair amount of us are pansexual poly switches. *raises hand* No neat boxes here!
Trial and error is how we learn what it is that we want. It is only by attempting things and having them not work for us that we gain a better idea of what DOES work for us. Don’t be afraid to try and fail at something. It is perfectly okay for things to not work when you first get started. The kinky journey is a never ending one and you will always be learning along the way.
By doing your homework, by being honest about yourself and your needs, and by communicating clearly with the people around you, there is very little that you cannot accomplish and explore. And therein lays the beauty of the experience. The world is your kinky oyster, go out and shuck it today! With enough experiences gathered, you will find yourself the proud owner of a mental scrapbook packed full of memorable events. Go forth and kink my friends.
Rain DeGrey is an international educator and presenter who has lectured at Harvard and Northwestern. She regularly teaches classes on a wide variety of sexual and kink topics, writes a bi-monthly advice column, and blog. For more information, event listings and classes, check out her website raindegrey.com!